Not Even the Rain

I've been doing so badly lately.  I got down to 116 but now I'm back to 119, and I hate myself. 

I started eating during the day (for the past year I've been eating dinner only, and a light one at that, so I've been eating 300-600 cal a day).  Anyway, I started eating during the day, just half a bowl of cereal here, half a cup of oatmeal there, maybe a banana or something... so it's hard to keep track of and I think I eat more cals than I realize.  Then I get to dinner and I think that my day is already screwed up so why even try anymore. 

Last night I had 3 slices of deep dish pizza. 

The most I've ever had is two in one sitting.  I felt like such a cow.  A failure, and a cow.  I felt like shit, and I thought that

I could just solve all my problems if I threw it up. 

So I tried.  I made up excuses, I left the table, I took a "shower", I went to go "get something", I "didn't feel too good", I "had some work to do".  I tried over and over to throw up.  I gagged so much I felt like my eyes were gonna pop out of my head. 

And yet nothing would come.  I made the executive decision to throw it up and my body wouldn't let me.  I wanted it out of my stomach.  So I laid on the floor of the bathroom and I cried. Then I ran up and down the stairs a bunch of times.  The gym was closed.  I hate myself.  Oh God, I hate myself. 

I've been doing so badly lately.  I got down to 116 but now I'm back to 119, and I hate myself. 

I started eating during the day (for the past year I've been eating dinner only, and a light one at that, so I've been eating 300-600 cal a day).  Anyway, I started eating during the day, just half a bowl of cereal here, half a cup of oatmeal there, maybe a banana or something... so it's hard to keep track of and I think I eat more cals than I realize.  Then I get to dinner and I think that my day is already screwed up so why even try anymore. 

Last night I had 3 slices of deep dish pizza. 

The most I've ever had is two in one sitting.  I felt like such a cow.  A failure, and a cow.  I felt like shit, and I thought that

I could just solve all my problems if I threw it up. 

So I tried.  I made up excuses, I left the table, I took a "shower", I went to go "get something", I "didn't feel too good", I "had some work to do".  I tried over and over to throw up.  I gagged so much I felt like my eyes were gonna pop out of my head.  And yet nothing would come.  I made the executive decision to throw it up and my body wouldn't let me.  I wanted it out of my stomach.  So I laid on the floor of the bathroom and I cried. Then I ran up and down the stairs a bunch of times.  The gym was closed.  I hate myself.  Oh God, I hate myself. 

Hi everyone

I have been watching this community for a while now, and I thought I might as well say something sometime.

cw:120
hw:155
lw:120
stgw:120
ltgw:110


I'm 22, and I'm not sure what I am but in the past few months I've really become really confused. I've always been a few sizes bigger than I've desired to be- that is, a few sizes bigger than the beautiful girls I wish I was. My mother never helped the situation, insisting from as early as I can remember that I need to go work out, I'm getting fat. And by screaming at me as I leave the house: "esconde la pella!" (translated, "hide your fat!") And for telling me that she was saying all this stuff just because she loved me, and because "your boyfriend is going to leave you for a skinny girl". And for not waiting longer than 4 minutes ( I timed it) from every time I got home from college (twice a year, for four years) to comment on whether or not I had gained or lost weight.

So a few months ago, I stopped eating.

And I lost weight. A lot. I look much better now.

And when I went home my mom said "you're so much prettier now". Thanks for helping mom. Thanks for making me feel like shit for eating breakfast. Thanks for making me think I disgust everyone with my fatness, even my own mother.

And now that I'm scaring everyone else
who loves me
with my dangerous eating habits,

she's happy.


Maybe I wrote to much for an intro. But that's my issue. Thanks for listening.

ate pizza today
so i feel like a fat pig
why can't i say no

-ALTERNATELY-

ate pizza today
that's all, plus i excercised
So why am i sad?